Dear Men, You Have Been Lied To, And Here’s the Truth

Dear Men, I have loved working with you over the years, practicing as a Gestalt Therapist. I have been honored to witness such amazing courage, resilience, and strength. I have thought a lot about you and our relationship, and the contact we shared. I have seen your power, courage, and grit as well as your tears, heartache, and hurt. My heart has felt broken along with you.  Men have received a shitty deal in this lifetime. Yes, men. As much as women have been forced into boxes that limit, inhibit, marginalize, and tell us what we are worth in society, men have received the same quality of messages. The boxes are shaped quite differently, but the messaging is clear. And, if you don’t comply and twist yourself into a pretzel to fit, you are devalued, shamed, and told you’re less than, not important, and don’t belong. 

Two qualities predominantly define most men: 1) You seldom like to ask for help, and you do not want to talk about your feelings. Combining the two – asking for help about your feelings — is the ultimate affront to many men’s masculinity.

You like to think of yourself as a strong, problem-solving type. But when it comes to emotional and mental issues, men need to quit trying to bottle up their feelings and tough it out. It’s important to accept and identify that you have very real needs and it’s important to get them met.  

Meeting one’s needs is a fundamental aspect of being human. However, we are currently witnessing a significant issue where many men struggle to identify what their own needs are. Many of you are living on autopilot, emotionally shut down, and disengaged from life. This didn’t happen overnight. Over time, you’ve focused so much on meeting the needs of others that you’ve lost a part of yourself in the process. This is a serious problem, not just for men, but for society as a whole. From an early age, many men are conditioned to prioritize others, believing that their worth is derived from the value they provide to those around them. As a result, your own needs often take a backseat to making others happy. When I have asked my male patients, “What is it that you need?” you have so often appeared confused (because men are rarely asked this question). You may even struggle to answer, as the idea that your own needs deserve attention could feel strange and foreign, leading to a disconnect in your mind.

Here’s an experiment you can try with a man you know (and men, you can do this too!): Ask him what he needs right now. What would help him feel supported in terms of his emotional well-being and personal peace? Then, wait for his response. Try not to fill the silence. I predict that many men will reply something like, “I’m fine, I don’t need anything.” This response may stem from the fact that he hasn’t had anyone in his life who cared enough to ask and to emphasize that his needs matter. Don’t be surprised if he seems momentarily taken aback; masculine men often have been conditioned to prioritize the needs of others, like their partners, children, and responsibilities, over their own. But that’s what a man does, right? That’s the role of a “Real Man.”

Protect. Provide. Perform. These are the measures of a man’s worth. Your ability to provide for those in your life, protect them from danger, and fulfill your role as a loving, caring presence and role model for your children is crucial. There is nothing wrong with these responsibilities; healthy, masculine men willingly embrace them. However, problems arise when the definitions of these duties evolve, encompassing much more than they used to. If you find that you can’t (or won’t) live up to these new expectations, you may feel that you are not a “real man.” Even if you meet these expectations, you might still feel like you’re fighting a losing battle. If you are unable to provide or protect, you may be labeled as worthless, a loser, or a failure. On the other hand, if you can provide and protect, while you are meeting expectations, you might not receive genuine respect, appreciation, or love; after all, you’re simply fulfilling minimal requirements rather than exceeding them. This reluctance to expect your own needs to be met is why many men often move directly on to the next task at hand.

You work hard, push yourself further, and give more until one day it becomes overwhelming, leaving you physically, emotionally, and spiritually depleted. When this happens, a common reaction is to shut down and withdraw. You may check out mentally and emotionally, stop putting in effort, or even give up entirely. The response you often receive in these moments isn’t love, understanding, or empathy aimed at helping you feel supported; instead, you may encounter criticism, judgment, or even dismissal from your partner and others. Unfortunately, this downward spiral can lead to depression, substance misuse/abuse, and, in severe cases, suicidal thoughts. The adult suicide rate for men is three times higher than for women. While it’s important to note that women in similar situations also need attention and care, there is a troubling systemic neglect of men’s mental health in our society.

Today, without proper guidance and support, we are seeing the rise of new types of men: 1) Self-proclaimed Alpha Males: These individuals refuse to mature and tend to boast about their masculinity. Unfortunately, they often confuse arrogance with strength and noise with leadership; 2) Self-Sufficient: Recognizing that the system is rigged from the start, these men understand they cannot win, regardless of effort. Rather than becoming angry or loud, they choose to focus on meeting their own needs and remain indifferent to external judgments; 3) Burned Out: These men have worked hard, provided for their families, and made sacrifices, yet still feel as though they have lost. Now, they live emotionally closed off, showing up for their families but having resigned themselves to a life of avoiding and numbing their emotions. 

This situation reflects what our society and culture have become, and we all share responsibility for this reality. Too many men feel disposable and disengaged, while, as a direct consequence, many women feel unsupported and alone. While we should not revert to the norms of the 1950s, we cannot accept the current state of affairs either. We must work towards a better future. For both men and women, as a co-creation in society. 

Men were never meant to be disposable, and no one is meant to go through life alone. It’s clear to me that we all need something new, both men and women. We need a brand new system where men and women actively support each other – not just in their private relationships, but in their everyday lives. For everyone’s sake, let’s move away from the mindset of “I’m fine on my own” and embrace a new perspective: “Let’s do this together!” Now, wouldn’t that be something?

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson